Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
