This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
