just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
stop calling my apartment porn island.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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