you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
