I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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