Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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