she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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