whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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