i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
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