My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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