Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
