Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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