You were right. It hurts to walk today.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
