Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I pour the whiskey from now on
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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