Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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