i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
