I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
