Fine. I'll sleep in my office
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
