i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
should my penis look like a turkey
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
