..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize