we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
