That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize