Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
