My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
