DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
