I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Who died my cat blue again?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
