as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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