btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize