i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
