Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
