I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
