i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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