He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
