I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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