i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
