She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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