apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize