I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
