you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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