I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
