this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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