The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Randomize
