Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(404): View more from Georgia

I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it

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(208): View more from Idaho

Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time

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(703): View more from Virginia

You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.

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(909): View more from California

Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there

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(509): View more from Washington

Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns

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(757): View more from Virginia

Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole

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(415): View more from California

Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."

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