how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
