so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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