i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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