I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I will be naked everywhere
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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