i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Randomize
