woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
