operation have a gay friend backfired
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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