It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
