i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
