why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
