why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
