I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Are we still banned from the library?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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