Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize