he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize