dude i'm inner monologue high
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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