I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Verdict: uncircumcised.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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