Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Is Oprah even human
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize