he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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