New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
