I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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