my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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