i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Randomize
